


Almost

by nawsies



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Insecurity, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, Pining, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-14 03:20:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7150973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nawsies/pseuds/nawsies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All those people who had such great things to say about him were wrong. No Oikawa wasn’t some grand volleyball king, he was just a fool learning that no matter how much you love someone, you can’t make them love you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Almost

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a vent fic but I liked bits of it and it grew into this, I hope it's OK.

Almost – I See Through Glass Darkly

“I’m scared you will realize I’m just bones and questions and leave me for something solid.”

― Clementine von Radics

Oikawa knew one simple truth, he was a skilled liar. If volleyball never worked out he could be a skilled writer since he could spin a tale as grand and glorious as the persona he wove around himself. So when his parents called and asked about his first few weeks at university, not worried by his absence but pleased because obviously he was settling in and having too much fun to call home, he told them what they wanted to hear. The guys on his floor were great, he signed up for the volleyball team and try outs were soon, classes were interesting so far, O-Week was everything he’d expected and more. And it was almost true.

Sometimes it feels like ‘almost’ is the beat of his heart. Ba-dum, ba-dum. Al-most, al-most. Over and over again it thuds in his chest, reminding him with every beat that he’s falling short. Al-most, Al-most. He once heard this heartbeat in the sound of a perfect serve, the smack against his hand and the beat against the ground. Al-most, Al-most. But when he practises, his serves echo too loudly, now that there’s no one there to stop them. Al-most, al-most. And he can’t stop it. Because to stop that beat is to end something that may not ever be good enough, but at least has potential. At least it’s not as final as that perfect cadence when everything stops. It would be a lie to say he hadn’t considered how sweet that chord might ring through the hollow gymnasium of his chest. He can’t remember it ever feeling full.

Because he’s been at university for nearly a month and he can’t settle, he feels restless and caged and terrified. He goes walking at night alone to feel the cool wind on his skin because it’s the only time he can breathe. Yes, the people on his floor are great but he can’t click with them which is such an usual feeling for him. He’s always taken pride in how he could bring out the best in others, he’d always tried to since he knew he was stronger in a team than alone. But he wasn’t sure if they were right anymore or if they just, found strength on their own because he gave them false confidence.

He felt as though he had taken his team for granted so many times over. His team who put up with the worst of his personality and who gave as good as they got. His team who yelled ramen orders when the pressure got too much because what else could make it OK? Maybe they just put up with him because of his volleyball skill, but it felt like they saw something better in him under his gossamer surface. Now here, surrounded by strangers, by people whose lives were full of other stories, other friends, other lovers, other teams, how could he fit his jagged edges with any of their sea glass lives?

Oikawa’s bones ached from the hours he’d spent worshipping at the shrine of his pain. He didn’t have a poetic reason why, he was just too tired to stand. There was a tiredness that came from pushing himself too hard on the court, from staying up into the early hours of the morning watching videos of the competition over and over, from waking up too early to study before class after staying up too late focussing on volleyball. This was none of those. This was the exhaustion that settled over him on rarer occasions. This came from not being enough, not being able to beat Karasuno, not getting into his first choice university, not being enough for Iwaizumi to stay.

Ah, there it was. Iwaizumi’s absence, the knife that had hollowed out his chest leaving space for every ‘al-most’ to ricochet through him. Over a month of radio silence. After the thought came to him, he placed it in the far recesses of his mind and refused to consider it further, but, if he were honest, he had always wondered why Iwaizumi stayed. He knew that for all that Iwaizumi made him feel whole, Oikawa couldn’t make him feel complete. And he couldn’t blame him for choosing something else. Oikawa couldn’t see how he was worth everything he made Iwaizumi go through, he could not see how the scales ever balanced out between what he took and what he gave. Which was maybe part of why he didn’t reach out, because maybe just maybe, Iwaizumi had finally realised that too.

Everyone acted as though leaving high school was this grand turning point to reinvent yourself. There was a whole new life for him, new things to learn, friends to make, teams to fight, a whole new life to live even when he wasn’t so sure he wanted it. Makki had been so excited to go somewhere new for university, where no one knew him. He said he could re-invent himself. Oikawa didn’t understand how. He had plenty of things he’d change about himself if he could but it wasn’t the fact that people knew him that stopped him. It was that he didn’t know how to box up all his quirks and habits and set fire to them, rising from the ashes to step into a new role. They all kept coming back up when he least expected them.

It wasn’t like he didn’t have enough to work out already. One big question weighing on his mind day in and day out, who was he without Iwaizumi? They had been together for so long that to be apart felt unnatural. He was so sick of this feeling of losing him. He was so sick of turning to make a joke to someone who wasn’t there. He wasn’t sure if he already had lost him, it felt like it. He was so afraid to text Iwaizumi and ask what was happening and lord knew he never texted first. For a split second he worried that his silence would worry Iwaizumi; that he would be waiting and thinking Oikawa moved on, made a new life and new friends already but he dismissed that thought. Iwaizumi was stronger than he was and he wouldn’t be  phased by Oikawa’s absence, if anything it would be a relief; he no longer had to put up with inane texts about aliens, the weather or anything Oikawa told him about to avoid talking about things that mattered.

There were so many things he could have said that mattered at the time. It seemed as though in every story there was that moment, just before they get on the plane, just before they say ‘I do’ or, just before they graduate, the person pining got their moment to stand up and confess all that they’d been bottling up for so long. Oikawa resented the trope. Because when his moment came, he didn’t find a new confidence buried deep within, just more fear. Fear that this was his last chance. Knowing that, didn’t make the moment special. It didn’t make it seem like this was the last time for him to confess and of course, of course if he did in this moment Iwaizumi would fall into his arms. No, his moment didn’t feel like that. He felt convinced there was no point ruining this, it was the end and he wanted it to be a happy ending for Iwaizumi, not marred by his stupid mouth and ridiculous heart. There had been plenty of other moments for Iwaizumi to fall into his arms but he had always stood strong on his own two feet.

All those people who had such great things to say about him were wrong. He was no king he was a jester, his crown wasn’t adorned with jewels but bells. He should’ve seen through their lies if he was such a talented liar himself. How could they ever be right when they were so blind? Because no one ever came up and told Iwaizumi how he brought out the best in Oikawa. They shouted his praise and didn’t see the true hero on the court. No Oikawa wasn’t some grand volleyball king, he was just a fool learning that no matter how much you love someone, you can’t make them love you.

 

* * *

 

 

A week later Oikawa went home for a long weekend. Iwaizumi showed up at his door with no warning, no text, no call; just suddenly standing there like they were eight years old again and he was about to ask his mother for a playdate. Except it was nearly midnight and Iwaizumi’s eyes had never been that shadowed as a child. Oikawa spun some speech about not expecting to see him there, did he miss him, wasn’t that sweet, or had he dropped out of university already, what a shame. The words were empty and meaningless. Iwaizumi knew it too. He had always been able to see past Oikawa’s lies. He turned and started walking away with a command for Oikawa to follow.

“I’m not dog Iwa-chan,” Oikawa mumbled but he grabbed his coat and followed him out anyway. If he wasn’t mistaken, the corners of Iwaizumi’s mouth twitched upwards at the nickname. That was new.

They went to the park where they met and lay down beside the swings and stared up at the stars. When they were kids they had sat on those same swings side by side and Iwaizumi had looked over and dared him to try swing higher than he could. Oikawa had looked at this boy with band aids on his knees and dirt on his cheeks with no idea how important he would be to his life, no idea of all that they would accomplish together and said with all the confidence of childhood joy, ‘you’re on’. Iwaizumi had won. Oikawa had jumped further when they got off the swing though. Their friendship felt like it had fallen into place so much by chance that Oikawa started to believe in fate as much as he believed in aliens.

This night though, Iwaizumi was looking at him with grass stains on his back and moonlight on his cheeks and Oikawa lay still with their hands almost touching, knowing exactly how important Iwaizumi was, proud of all that they had accomplished together and with all the fear of adulthood was unable to rise to the challenge. He almost could. He could feel the words in the back of his throat waiting to spill out and honestly it was the closest he’d ever been. If he could just say it, get it over with, he knew it would be better. But instead he made some joke about now being a great time for aliens to take him and Iwaizumi had made some joke about wishing they’d done it sooner.

They talked about their favourite memories with the team, their favourite games, their favourite victories, their worst losses and all that they had taught them. Iwaizumi had teased him for still having the volleyball from their first winning game together at Kitagawa Daiichi, it had been the first time they’d really fallen in sync with each other and it had stuck ever since. It was after that everyone realised whenever Oikawa was in a pinch, he’d toss to Iwaizumi. It was after that Oikawa had realised, whenever he was afraid, Iwaizumi would be there to help. Oikawa didn’t tell him he’d taken that volleyball with him to his university dorm.

 “A year from now, everything will be so different.” Oikawa had said. “All of our friends will have moved away, our team will barely be recognisable as our team. Nothing will be as it has been. Will we recognise ourselves?”

“Don’t pretend to be deep.” Iwaizumi had hit his shoulder but there was no sting to it, while it wasn’t elegant it had always been his best way of snapping Oikawa out of a funk. “Things will change yeah but, things changed plenty from first year of high school to now and you coped fine. Things have changed plenty in the last month. We’ll cope again.”

Oikawa mulled the thought over, thinking about shoe boxes full of memories tracing their friendship from the beginning to now and every little change you could see in there. The difference between that change and this one though, was that Iwaizumi had been his pillar of strength then. Now he was…Oikawa didn’t know what he was.

“What’s wrong with you?” Iwaizumi sat up suddenly and glared down at him.

“What do you mean?” Oikawa asked.

“Don’t bullshit me. You only get silent when you’re sad, you’re impossible to shut up the rest of the time.”

“Rude Iwa-chan! I am a sad and delicate flower I don’t need you insulting me. Maybe I just didn’t want to talk to you because you’re always mean to me.”

Oikawa wanted to take it back immediately when he saw Iwaizumi flinch. He remembered how he had thought that he could be hurting Iwaizumi with his silence too and realised distance wasn’t helping either of them. He had kept his silence because he didn’t want to be the shadows that stopped Iwaizumi from growing, but when he saw how broken they both were he wasn’t sure what was right anymore. If everything was different and falling apart, why not rebuild something new? Lying had created a persona he couldn’t live up to, hiding had hurt his best friend and now, it was time for the truth.

“I’m a mess.” Oikawa admitted, sitting up beside Iwaizumi with a shrug. “But you always knew that. You’ve been holding me together for so long you had to know I’d fall apart the second you left me. I’m only strong when I stand by you. Which is part of why I can’t imagine why you’d want to be with me. I’m not good enough. I don’t deserve you. I just get in the way of your happiness.”

What little resolve he’d had left him as his eyes welled with tears and his voice shook like his soul was being rocked by an earthquake. Maybe it was, seeing Iwaizumi look at him like that felt like the whole world was shifting around them. It turned out he didn’t need his resolve because despite all his fears, they were as in sync as ever.

“You said you’re strong with me right? Same goes here. My strength comes from you. So stop running away shit salad.” Iwaizumi muttered as he rubbed soothing circles with his thumb against Oikawa’s hand. “We’re a team, with or without the court it doesn’t matter. I thought that was obvious?”

 Iwaizumi wrapped his other hand around the back of Oikawa’s neck and pulled him towards him until their foreheads rested against one another. Oikawa closed his eyes and tried to steady his breathing but it was a little difficult with his emotions running wild on him. Of course Iwaizumi had thought it was obvious, he didn’t overthink like Oikawa did he led with his heart and let the rest fall into place. Oikawa wondered how long Iwaizumi had been waiting for him to fall into step beside him. He hiccupped and kicked himself for ruining the moment. It was going so much better than he ever thought and here he was full body sobbing. Iwaizumi bumped his nose against Oikawa’s.

“Oi. I’m never going to say this again so listen close,” he murmured, Oikawa looked up expectantly. “To me, you will always be enough.”

Oikawa laughed, although it could have just been a sob since he was still crying and Iwaizumi couldn’t quite tell but he hoped that it was a laugh. “Are you sure you’ll never say it again?”

“Only if you need to hear it,” Iwaizumi said, unable to say that he was going to make sure Oikawa felt loved, didn’t feel alone like this again, that he was sorry and he would do better because Oikawa hadn’t failed he had. But, there was time for that later. He wasn’t very good with words anyway and if he didn’t plan it out then it was going to come out a garbled mess, more insults than confession.

“If it wasn’t clear,” Oikawa whispered, “I love you Iwa-chan.”

“I love you too, you big nerd.”

The way they fell together felt so inevitable that it reaffirmed Oikawa’s belief in fate. Sitting there together with the galaxy spread before them, a crown of starlight atop each of their heads, for just a moment Oikawa felt as though ‘Iwa’ was the beat of his heart.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Oikawa’s heart would beat to the word ‘aliens’ if it weren’t too many syllables. 
> 
> Feel free to chat with me on tumblr


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